thoughts on tinder

25 thoughts every woman has had while slumming Tinder

1. No. Why would I "hit you up" on Snapchat and Instagram? I don't even know you!  No!

2. I think you're under the impression I have time to decode which of the five faces in every picture is you. Ain't nobody got time for that.

3.  Was your mom around when you decided to write about your "long dong?" Does that work for you? Ever?

4. You do know that "ur" is not an appropriate substitution for your or you're, right?

5. As intriguing as your one photo and no bio is... I think I'll swipe left.

6. Oh good, you like to live life on the edge, yolo and crap. I now know everything I need to know about your personality.

7. You are married. And she's into it. I'm not.

8. He's cute! Please be smart. Please be smart.

9. Awww you have a dog. And you like kids. Awwwwww.

10. Soooooo do you regularly take shirtless selfies at the gym? Isn't that awkward?

11. You're taking a break from your religion.  Like a coffee break? Lunch break? Walk me through this.

12. Asdf!#$$&2&!!!! This is totally my future husband. Please be a match. Please be a match! Pleaseeeeee! No match. Curse you, tinder!

13. Ok, so that's a girl you're kissing. On the lips. And you're here because...?

14. Geez, there sure are a lot of guns. And dead animals. And beards.

15. Oh. You take more selfies than I do and are more groomed than I am. Interesting.

16. Awwwww! He likes puppies and kids!

17. Do you think that's his kid?

18. Do you think he has baby mama drama?

19. Pfewf. Just his niece.

20. Uhhhhh if you are 25, I'm 64. Nice try, babyface.

21. FUHHHH. Accidentally swiped right. Now random Tinder fellow thinks I like him.

22. No I am not going to dissect every emoticon in your bio to make sense of who you are. USE YOUR WORDS.

23. What kind of a conversation starter is "hey?"

24. Look, a picture with his civic. Ooooh, you fancy, huh?

25. COME BACK! I didn't mean the left swipe!

thoughts on being a soulmate

Brace yourself for the cheesiest, truest thing ever, brought on by the realest, most awesome chat with some of my best friends on the one year friendiversary of the fab four. 

from a very early age, we are all brainwashed into looking for the "oneness" in our gentlemen callers. we watch eight hundred thousand disney movies that tell us that when you know, you just know, and there is that guy out there for us. in church, it feels like your one goal is to get yourself hitched before you turn into a pumpkin, so we curl our hair and wear our favorite pumps while talking about our wifeable qualities and flirting with all the new boys. 

STOP IT.

I know my girls and I can't be the only ones who feel a spiritual strain coming from the excessive insistence that we get out there and get married. do you want to know the truth? i'm am HAPPY! tonight, I watched the draft with two of my best friends and played some super smash brothers on a dusty n64. i watched a lot of basketball, and then had a good cry about a friendiversary. explain to me how the guy i met because i'm supposed to get married fits into that.

life is situational, especially now while we're young. we're always going through transitions and phases. someone could be "the one" for right now, where we are at this particular moment in our lives, and we have to take the care to enjoy them to see if they are a person who enriches our lives to spiritual completion. but keep in mind that the answer to "is he the one?" has a lot to do with where we are emotionally, intellectually, and physically. 

but i certainly know one thing to be true. having best friends feels like going on awesome first dates every time we talk or hang out. it seems like momentum, potential. we finish each other's sentences, and the rhythm of our conversations is super fast because our brains are wired to keep up with each other. over the friendship we watch each other grow and we feel super proud of each other when we land awesome jobs, or finish an insane week at work. we can't even believe we've been friends that long, when it flies by in the blink of an eye. we have inside jokes and start copying phrases that the other ones say. we CONNECT. Sure, these are all things I want to find in a potential husband, but the truth is that I can always count on my best friends to be my soul mates, even if all of my other romantic relationships fail. 

no matter where i go in life, across cities, across countries, through different career paths... my best friends are the people i can meet up for the first time in weeks and it will feel like we just danced to a paramore song in a dome yesterday. my best friends always see the best in me, even when i am a HOT ASS MESS. my best friends are there for all of my heartaches, breakups, and relationship issues. they will listen to me go on and on about how crappy my boss is, or will dissect every letter of a two word text to determine if he likes me or not. My best friends will listen to me talk about family drama or grad school cases or book ideas, and eventually they will know more about these things than I do. 

people cut their exes out of their lives, even when they've been together for years.

want to know something great? my friends are never going to break up with me, unless of course i pull some super ratchet mess like stealing their man. 

beat that, husband. No seriously, go ahead and try. because that's the only thing i'm giving up this wonderful rollercoaster of a single girl's life for.

thoughts on being: date night ready in 10 minutes or less!

it kind of feels like sacrilege to be posting this tutorial, because it is my favorite secret to being low maintenance... but nonetheless, here is the easiest way to give yourself victoria's secret-esque curls in under ten minutes!

start with dry hair. if your hair is a little bit wet, it might have unforeseen consequences. part it where you normally part your hair.

pop that hair up into an ultra-sexy ponytail right on top of your head, I dream of genie style, and split your hair in half.

pick out your favorite sized curling iron. I recommend at least a one-inch barrel for this style, because the smaller ones tend to look a little bit wild.

start to curl the sections in small-ish pieces. they don't have to be tiny-baby sized, but you want them small enough that you're able to get a good curl.

finish curling around your head.

let it loose! undo the elastic and run your hands through your hair to loosen up the curls.

if you have awkward-nearly-grown-out bangs like I do, you'll need to curl them now because they will look weird and straight from being in the ponytail.

flip your head upside down and give your hair a good spray. being upside down adds some volume and also won't make the top of your head look crusty.

you're done! honestly, including taking selfies, this took me 4 minutes. I realize I have thinner hair than the average Jane, so I said ten minutes to avoid false promises.

thoughts on being a customer

hey-o! today's thoughts are all about patronage and how to be a customer that an employee doesn't dread. having done my fair share of time behind a counter, I feel like the best way to make the world a better place would be to force everyone to work in food service or retail before they "make it big." here are a few ways to make sure that you're not a complete lunatic when you walk into an establishment.

don't make assumptions about the employees. seriously. you don't know their life! not everyone working in food service or retail is going to be in one of those industries for the rest of their lives! when you say demeaning things like "and this is why you still work here" to employees, you'd better be able to guarantee that they will never end up your boss. a lot of people in these industries are working to pay for their educations, and even if they are "lifers," you have no business insulting them.

don't try to establish your dominance. keep in mind that the employees can't argue with you. "the customer is always right," and all that. I will never understand why customers think they can be rude to the first person that can't talk back, but it doesn't make you a big person. It makes you an ass-hat.

don't try to haggle about the price. there are specific exceptions to this rule, such as mom and pop shops or miscellaneous kiosks on the streets of Hawai'i, but in general, keep your grumbling to a minimum when it comes to the price. it's amazing to me that people will treat the employees like the scum between their toes and then expect them to have power over the pricing on the menus of a large, corporate establishment. the individual employees have absolutely nothing to do with the pricing, and complaining about it makes you look cheap (which you probably are!) if it's a large purchase, such as a sofa, it is appropriate to ask when these sorts of items go on sale, but be prepared to find out that the employees might not know!

don't go into a store 5 minutes before it closes. yes, it's quieter in the store, and yes, the employees are more willing to help, but it's because all of the decent people have left already. it's disrespectful, and you're preventing the employees from getting home to their families.

say hi back. when you walk into a store and someone says hello to you, at least have the decency to look up, make eye contact, smile, and say "hi." they aren't trying to sell you anything (yet), and they are human beings, for heaven's sake!

make up your darn mind. if you aren't ready to order yet, don't step up to the register. don't have an employee walk you to thirty different items on a gift registry. to clarify, this is only true when there are other customers in the store. there are many times when an employee would love to help you through every item on the menu or offer up a plethora of gift ideas. when it is busy, however, you need to find your sea legs and float on your own, matey.

put your phone away. this is SO rude. I don't care if you're in a drive-up, waiting in a long line, or on the phone with the president. when you are interacting with another human, put your phone away.

don't shop at the stores where something bad ALWAYS happens. I love hearing a conversation between a customer and an employee where they say "this happens every time I come in here!" why do you keep going back if it is the only store that can't get your order right?

in short, I definitely think that your attitude determines your service. what are your least-favorite customer habits?